A Change of Heart

September 26, 2019

The first week, I was walking around campus thinking, "I am so blessed and blissful right now." The second week, my whole life was turned upside down... My relationship I had deeply invested into ended, and with it took down other relationships; the eighty practicum hours I was supposed to begin immediately was postponed week after week; and my mentor, who had poured into me and been a light amongst my darkness for years, lost her battle with cancer.

The life I had been thriving in crumbled. The optimism and joy I had just a week prior was utterly shattered. Question after question prodded my mind... I was exhausted, I was beaten down, I was lost and confused. Nothing, absolutely nothing, made sense to me. As I'm writing this, it's only been 4 days since that worst week of my life ended. I still have questions, and still, nothing makes sense. I keep asking whether or not God is testing me or if Satan is testing me. I've never believed that the Lord causes bad things to happen, He only uses those bad things to our advantage. So is that what He's doing with me? Did Satan look at the life I was thriving in, the life I had found joy in, and then destroy it? Was my joyfulness, my contentment with myself, others, and God too intimidating for him to see? Did my smile shine too bright through those depths of hell?

I wanted to blame God. Some parts of me still do. I want to ask Him why He didn't strengthen my relationships? Why He didn't save my mentor? Why He didn't work out my practicum? Why wouldn't He preserve the joy I had? Why didn't He stop Satan? If He's for me, not against me, if He is all-powerful and all-knowing, if He loves me, why did He allow this?

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December 21, 2019

I hurt re-reading what I wrote just a few, short months ago. When the semester ended about two weeks ago I was more than overjoyed to leave that semester in the dust. I walked away with the highest grades I had finished with in college, so apparently the hurt I felt relationally was used for good academically.

I asked a lot of questions during that time and got none of them answered. I questioned who I was, I questioned my self-worth, I questioned God... I thought I did something wrong for wanting more than a dead-end relationship; wrong for not having the chance to say goodbye to my mentor; wrong for not putting in more effort to find a practicum site. I thought I was unworthy of a true, Godly love; unworthy of long-lasting friendships; unworthy to be a future counselor. I thought God was against me being in a relationship; against saving my dearest friends; against a future I had worked so hard for.

I question none of the above anymore. I know exactly who I am, and that's a daughter of Christ. I realize my worth, and that is found in Christ. I know exactly what God wants for me, and that's the best (not the easiest). The life I was thriving in did indeed crumble, but I now realize that God was using that wreckage to build a better and more Godly life for me. Because I will only be honest, I still have questions, but I've come to be content with possibly never receiving answers. I still am not sure as to whether or not God removed me from a negative relationship or if Satan ripped it away from me and God is using that damage for good. I still don't know why God didn't save a mother, a friend, and a true disciple of His.

The only thing that I do know, and the single most inspiring phrase I've been living off of is... God is good; with my theme song being Goodness of God sung by The Worship Initiative and Bethany Barnard. My favorite line in that song says this: Your goodness is running after, It's running after me, With my life laid down I'm surrendered now, I give You everything...

I just imagine God's goodness chasing after me as I wind around corner after corner, making trash decisions and getting involved with people not meant for me. I cannot outrun His goodness, no matter who I meet, what I do, or where I go. I questioned His intentions with my life and I questions whether He was truly "for me", when this whole time He has been seeking me out and filling me with all of His goodness and mercies.

I don't know about the rest of y'all, but I am incredibly ready for 2020!!

xoxo Kaylee