Narcissistic Abuse

"I knew something was wrong when you watched me cry inconsolably, over something you had done and you didn't even flinch. You didn't attempt to apologize. Nor were you remorseful. Instead, you carefully twisted it around to be my fault. I knew then, I was dealing with a monster; not a person."

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It took me 6 months to find the closure I had been so desperately seeking; and it did not come from the man who broke me, it came from me.

I was in the relationship of my dreams for about 4 months; everything I had prayed for in a man and in a relationship was coming true. And then, that all flipped. I began to be told I was asking for too much, that I had unrealistic expectations, that my past relationship failures had made me insecure and was affecting my present relationships, that I was too sensitive and dramatic, and that I was reading into things and looking at things incorrectly.

He convinced me that I was so broken and damaged that I took a fast from social media (which isn't always a bad thing), and I bought two books on healing and recovery. Both of these books, that I have yet to be able to finish, were great resources. The problem was not with these books, it was the fact I was coerced into believing I was damaged.

Our relationship didn't even last 6 months and every single day I thank Jesus for that. That last two months of our relationship was awful; I was miserable. I had threatened to leave three times before the actual breakup, but each and every time, he convinced me that he would change and work on our relationship; He never did. Each time I expressed my feelings, it lead to an argument where he would tell me I was either being too emotional, reading into things, or portraying him to be a terrible person. Finally, I became so sick of having arguments that I stopped bringing up anything at all. A journal entry I wrote back in August of 2019 began with, "I just want to be happy". Most nights I cried myself to sleep because of things he spat at me or things I never got to express. I was so exhausted of being the one to mend the relationship back together, and even then, it was never enough for him.

One night, I asked him why he never gave me flowers anymore like he used to do at the start of our relationship, or why he never sent me letters back, and his exact response was, "I don't want you becoming immune to romantic things I do. Then they won't mean as much." And I believed him. I thought, "Yeah, he's probably right. If he got me flowers, I would probably start to hate them..."

By mid August, I had already threatened to leave for the second time, and I had begun to question his motives and intentions. I began to push and prod, and I began to speak my mind again, not caring what his response would be. I'm not sure what caused this. My only explanation is the Holy Spirit was preparing me for the long, emotional rollercoaster ahead. One night, he told me that he felt empty. The one and only time I actually heard him state an emotion. Of course this, concerned me. I had felt emptiness before and it never lead to positive, happy feelings. I became so concerned about him that even after we broke up, I worried for his wellbeing and happiness.

Over Labor Day, I threatened to leave for the final time, which resulted in him telling me that he would fight for the relationship and that he wasn't "letting us go".Twelve days later we broke up, and that started a whole other sequence of terrible events.

He never has and he never will give me an explanation as to why he ended things that night and didn't just let me walk away one of the previous three times... and that, friends, is because he was an expert narcissist. He never wanted me to be the one to leave, that would have stripped him of his power and control. He never wanted to give me an explanation, he wanted me to suffer and live in denial and wondering. He also never loved me, and I indeed never loved him. Narcissists are incapable of loving anything or anyone unless there is a reward in it for them. Similarly, narcissists reflect or mirror the characteristics or desires that their partner longs for in a relationship... because of that, I was loving myself. Every "nice", "Christ-like", "loving" thing he did was because he had to keep me wrapped around his manipulative finger someway. I had begun speaking my mind too much and questioning his character too much, and therefore, he had to ditch. I had given him too much honesty, stuck up for myself one too many times, and had up'd my confidence too strongly for him to continue to use, abuse, and manipulate me.

After the break up it was not long after that I lost every friend that I had met through him. I lost them because I began to question their intentions as well. I began to question their trustworthiness and that pissed them off. Instead of proving me wrong and showing how they were indeed trustworthy, they proved me right and walked away. Since then I can only imagine the ways in which they all have dragged my name through the mud. Despite wanting no true connection with me, they still asked my friends about me months after and normally showed up minutes after I showed up somewhere to cackle loudly and make side glances at me... just to make sure I knew I was not welcomed.

I was made out to be crazy, overdramatic, oversensitive, and a liar. I was supposed to keep my mouth shut about all of this, but I haven't. I kept documents, voice memos, and text messages that prove my truthfulness and saneness, as well as friends who corroborate his toxicity.

As a PSA, especially for those who know me personally and know the man I am referring to, this is not my attempt to expose or attack him or any of his friends. I do not care what they are doing with their lives now, and I most definitely do not want them back in mine. Victims of narcissistic abuse are ignored, shamed, and silenced. I will not be silenced.

Over the past 8 months, I have done extensive research on narcissism as well as gotten the professional opinion of a few of my professors. I also now hold a bachelors degree in science (psychology) and am returning in the fall to get my Masters in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. This is not me grasping at straws and forcing a diagnosis. As a matter of fact, this is no diagnosis; This is me speaking up and speaking out on people and situations that try to silence me.

I have forgiven the people I thought were my friends and I hope they are living lives they love. I am still working on forgiving him, not because he deserves it, but because I do. He likely wishes to see me miserable and still questioning my worth, and unfortunately for him, I have never felt more joyful and more free. Baby boy, you are toxic, and the only crazy one is you.

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[If you think you may be in a narcissistic relationship, leave immediately and suspend any and all contact. Narcissists sadly never change, and even if they could, it is NOT your responsibility to change or fix them! Find support and healing for yourself if needed.]

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"No one throws a bigger tantrum than a narcissist being shown facts and evidence of something they definitely did do."