It's O.K Not To Be O.K

"May the flowers remind us why the rain was no necessary."

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The month of May is Mental Health Awareness Month and I have been taking full advantage of it to spread twice the amount of awareness as usual.

Personally, I can only speak on anxiety and depression, but hear me when I say there are so, so many other mental illnesses and they all matter and are all valid.

For nearly 8 years I have battled and survived the hellish combination of anxiety and depression. Specifically I have generalized anxiety disorder along with panic disorder. My anxiety includes...

• constant worrying (despite how insignificant the circumstance)

• a constant need for reassurance (ex. I still love you; I still want you; I won't leave you)

• a fear of being the center of attention

• a hatred for talking about myself for long periods of time

• uneasiness in new places (even if it's a friend's house I've never been to before)

• uneasiness ordering in restaurants I've never been to

• the need to be early everywhere I go

• the need to do everything early (tasks, homework, etc)

• biting my nails

• feelings of being "a bother"; apologizing too much

• inability to make decisions

My depression includes...

• low self-esteem

• fear of being left

• fear of not being good enough

• exhaustion no matter the amount of hours of sleep I get

• lack of motivation, for anything, even things I enjoy

• lonliness

• extreme feelings of sadness and emptiness

• crying, lots of crying

• irritability

My anxiety combined with my depression involves extreme confusion; Do I continue to lay in bed and do nothing because I don't care or do I start on this assignment 2 weeks early just in case? My anxiety and depression are unique to me; Someone else may experience completely different symptoms or may experience some but not others.

I shared this because educating others on such a universal and important topic is crucial for self-care and relational care. It's so important to know how to care for yourself in times of struggle and how to care for others in their times of struggle. Learning to care and love someone (or yourself) in the midst of their mental illness is difficult, but so necessary and essential.

Everyday I am learning how to better live and cope with my anxiety and depression. Though the things listed above are things in which I struggle with because of my mental disorders, I am not incapable of working on them and bettering myself.

Mental illness is not a decision just a disorder. Mental illness is not an identity. Mental illness is not a weakness. Mental illness is not fake. Mental illness is not attention-seeking. Mental illness is not the end of your life. Mental illness does not define me and it doesn't define anyone else.

I am stronger than my depression and anxiety. My identity does not stem from those disorders. I have learned so much about myself and about my mental health, and I will continue to learn. My mental health is important. Your mental heath is important. Spreading awareness is important and ending the stigmas that surround mental illness is important!

If you are having thoughts of suicide, please call 1-800-273-TALK.

Keep fighting! Your life is worth it!

~xo Kaylee