Adoxography

"Even if you go for it and it doesn't work out, you still win. You still had the guts enough to head straight into something that frightened you. That type of bravery will take you places." -The Better Man Project

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I would love to be able to honestly say that I am one of those people that isn't afraid of anything; that will take the world by its horns with fearlessness in my eyes. I am anything but one of those people, but in all honestly, I don't believe those types of people even exist... but that's a story for another day...

You see... I am scared of lots of things, some of which I have yet to discover I am afraid of.

I'm scared of sharks and the ocean and basically anything that swims in unpredictable territory... I'm scared of wolves and bugs that fly and driving... of being kidnapped and never seeing those I love again... of losing someone I love and not getting to say, "I love you"... of failure and disappointing those around me... of being left... of forgetting or being forgotten... of love and of heartbreak... of being basic or mediocre to the world around me...

I am scared because I've watched the fear it causes in others... or I've felt the fear it caused in me. I have never been attacked or even seen a shark in real life, but Shark Week has scarred me. I have encountered wolves, wolves that I thought were German shepherds... and nearly dropped dead when they were indeed not. I have not been kidnapped, but have watched many, many shows with missing individuals who have yet to be found... who have never seen their loved ones again. I've lost people from death as well as simply just life and didn't get to say, "I love you". I've failed and I've disappointed many... more times than I can count. I've been left, again, more times than I can count. I've forgotten childhood memories that once built my character, and I've been forgotten by those who swore they'd never forget. I've loved and I've broke and I've been broken, and each terrifies me just the same as the other two. And because I am as average as everyone else, I can be labeled as basic and mediocre.

Whether or not these fears are phobias or real-life fears, they have formed my personality, my behavior, and my being into exactly who I am. They have influenced the way that I respond and react, they impact my emotions and my relationships; both for good and for bad.

I've yet to conform to that fear, though, and I suspect I never will. I still love the sound of the ocean and the way the water and sand mix under my feet; the unpredictability of those depths and the secrets it refuses to give up. I still love dogs and will take any and every chance to pet one. I still visit new places and say hello to new people; the mace in my hand only guarantees safety. I still watch loved ones depart my presence, I just end each departure with an, "I love you". I still attempt at the things there is no guarantee at succeeding in and I still give my all knowing it still may not be enough. I still build friendships and relationships, despite no guarantee they will stay. I still continue learning and making memories, knowing full-well they could disappear as quickly as they arrived, and I continue being a presence in the lives of those who could very soon forget me. I still love with my whole heart, knowing it could end in abandonment or heartbreak. And I still live my life as if I were the only one capable of doing and saying the things I am doing and saying.

My fear drives me, it does not stop me. I feel bravery speaks louder than fear, and that the very act of trying to not be scared, indeed makes you fearless...

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• athazagoraphobia: (n) the fear of forgetting, being forgotten or ignored, or being replaced.

• thantophobia: (n) the fear of losing someone you love.

• kakorrhapfiophobia/atychiphobia: (n) the fear of failure/ fear of not being good enough.

• dystychiphobia: (n) the fear of hurting someone.

• agliophobia: (n): the fear of being hurt.

• philophobia: (n) the fear of falling or being in love.

• thalassophobia: (n) the fear of the ocean.

• Koinophobia: (n) the fear of being ordinary.